New Year's Forecast

The morning of Jan. 1 will bring a 74% chance of hangovers in many locations, followed by intermittent flurries of regrets, changing to resolutions by evening. Expect drifts of pork and sauerkraut over the Midwest, with pop-up showers of hoppin'john in the southern states. 2011 calendars and day planners may appear by sunset. Across the country, football will remain steady throughout the day.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Jingle-bell Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree

I know it’s a little late to be bringing this up – so-called “holiday music” has been in the air non-stop since before Halloween. And I didn’t want just to complain about it. After all, we have Andy Rooney to do that. Plus, the past couple of weeks I’ve been preoccupied with committing random acts of coughing so I am kind of in catch-up mode here.

Patriotism aside, I am not much of a shopper. I don’t hang out at the mall. I long ago stopped buying things for the kids in my extended family, preferring instead to blow my gift budget on experiences. You know, tickets to the Nutcracker, a train ride with Santa and so on. (This year in a moment of questionable sanity, I forked over an amount roughly equivalent to the GDP of a developing nation to take a small boy to see the Harlem Globetrotters. Love makes fools of us all.)

Nevertheless, I do step into a retail establishment from time to time. Even the Grinch has to buy groceries or pick up something at the drug store now and then. And for nearly one quarter of the year, when I step into said retail establishment, I am treated, as are we all, to “holiday music.”

Now, I’m not going to go on about the questionable content of “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer,” or vent about the tasteless trashing of true Christmas classics by pop stars who either belt loud enough to wake the poor babe in the manger or slide all over a tune as if it’s been sprayed with PAM. And I’m certainly not going to tell you my fantasies of sneaking a bit of rat poison into Rudolph’s feed bag or taking the Little Drummer Boy out with an automatic weapon. (Rat-a-tat-tat - do you hear what I hear?!)

No, my issue with this ubiquitous sound-track has to do with audience. For whom is this twelve-week long Holly Jolly Christmas being played? This inquiring mind really wants to know. Every person I asked about it either said she loathes the stuff, or claimed she simply doesn’t hear it anymore. OK, I admit mine was a thoroughly unscientific and very limited study – perhaps a dozen people, some of whom were at work in these retail establishments when we chatted. (Their response BTW was invariably the latter.)

So, back to the question - why is this stuff playing? If everybody either hates being pelted for weeks on end with bad renditions of Winter Wonderland or completely tunes it all out, what, I ask you, what is the point?

Help me, please.

Still Holiday Not-Shopping

This week’s Sunday paper included fully half as many ad supplements as the Thanksgiving Day behemoth. As I’ve said, I’ve already not bought everything I don’t need for the holidays. In fact, I was completely done not shopping a week ago. So I didn’t read any of them except, of course, the Target one. I’m still concerned about that little dog with the red circles around his eye. Is that stage makeup? Grease paint? I hope it’s nontoxic and hypoallergenic.

            Most of the slick supplements that show up with my paper are big box fliers, ads from national chains and department stores, stuffers that might just as likely be included in your Miami Herald, Minneapolis Sun or LA Times. My sister in North Carolina gets all of these with her paper, too, but she also received a catalog from a fancy food emporium near where she lives.

I know this store, and I’m pretty sure that its holiday selection includes a lot of fruit baskets, wine and/or cheese assortments, weighty pastries that no one would consider giving or eating any other time of the year, and possibly a sausage-of-the-month club. But I’m only guessing.

There was just one item that my sister considered noteworthy enough to share with me via email. It’s a butter sculpture of a Christmas tree, made of  (quoting here) “Certified AA kosher butter.” A Christmas tree made of kosher butter. Are we the only ones who find that a mite humorous?

A kosher butter Christmas tree. Really. Of course, it’s strictly a gift item. There are some things no one would ever buy for herself. I’m going to have to talk to my sister about this. Maybe we’ll both order it . . . and give it to each other.

Blackcyber Daze

 Black Friday and Cyber Monday have come and gone. And I am totally finished. I have successfully not bought every single item I planned to not buy, as well as a few things I didn't know I wanted to not buy until I went through the Thanksgiving Day paper. Three pounds of ad supplements! (No, I didn't weigh them - the paper bragged about this on its front page. I did count them, though. There were 47.) Three pounds. I can just picture the regional marketing manager of Lots o' Stuff calculating her ad budget by the ounce.

Of course I didn't look at all 47. I don't have that kind of time. I sorted out the appliance outlets, the camera and electronics stores, and the cheap stuff. If I'm going to browse for things I'm not buying, I want quality. I do always read the Target ads because I like the little dog with the red circles around his eye. (Is that a tattoo? A birthmark? I wonder if his little dog friends tease him about it.)

Besides Target, I look at Dillard's and sometimes Penney's but Macy's is my favorite. I spotted a faux fur animal print jacket (species unspecified) and some chandelier-ish earrings, but the coolest thing I'm not going to buy (in the Macy's ad, natch) is a croco-print leather pass case from the Donald J. Trump Signature Collection. Not just any old Donald Trump, but Donald J. Trump. And get this - I was able to not buy it at 4am Friday. 4am! That's at least an hour earlier than I was able to not shop last year. How great is that?

Thanksgiving Forecast

Thanksgiving Forecast

Following Wednesday’s thaw, expect rising turkey temperatures, reaching a high of 180 degrees by dinnertime, accompanied by drifts of mashed potatoes with some low-lying gravy and widely scattered green beans, tapering off to pumpkin pie.

Beginning in mid-morning, flurries of grandchildren with gusts up to 75 mph are expected in some areas and may continue for several hours. Look for partly drowsy conditions with an 85% chance of football later in the day. The cold front of in-laws will push through between eight and nine p.m., bringing clearing tables and quieter conditions. Looking ahead to Friday, the chance of leftovers is 98%.

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still testing (to paraphrase the Beatles, "I hope I passed the audition.")